I hope everyone finds the irony in this sentence impeccably clear and easy to decipher:
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| “Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” |
I am deathly afraid of Dying.
I was sitting in the Hayden courtyard at Arizona State a few days ago, a sketchbook in my lap and a lot on my mind. I thought about how my life is going.
Going on vacation across the country from all and any of your problems allows a person to sit back and look at them from very, very far away.
It is the best view.
Your head is clearer, you're not pulled in the directions of the moment, and there is no rush to make an urgent decision on the matters at hand.
One of my good friends and I are not, at the moment, getting along so well. In fact, we are not even talking. Our friendship began falling apart when life for her became foggy and strings were pulled, tearing loose and falling apart. I noticed her moods change, I noticed her values change, I noticed her obligations take a different course even before the turmoil between us started churning. And I felt I was left behind while she moved forward in a new direction without me. I’m not saying I need to be at the root of every decision, and first on the list to hear of news, but the things that go on in other’s lives are important to me. I like being one they can talk to and come to for advice, and being cut-off so abruptly I just found myself missing her.
I can’t help but wonder, if she misses me.
I have always said, and I feel others would agree: that I’d rather people feel indifferently about me, than hate me to the point of wanting nothing to do with me.
The situation made me think about all the connections I’ve made in my life. Will it be enough? Am I a decent enough friend that people would miss me if I ever were to end-up six feet under due to some uncanny event?
How would they remember me, talk about me when I’m gone.
Will they have good memories, good things to say. Will they even bother to show-up for the funeral, or find better things to do? Did I try my best to do enough good in other people’s lives? Did I make positive connections with people, did I help them when they needed help, was I self-less enough to impact them in some way, shape, or form that they have the ability to care for me like I care for them.
Did I tell people enough that I love them. Did I remind them enough how much they mean to me, that I missed or was thinking about them.
Was I a good Friend? A good Person? A good… Anything?
I love people, and at the same time, they drive me absolutely bonkers.
But it is people that make life here worth every second of every minute of every day.
And that, that is what I am afraid to leave behind me.
I am not worried about all the technology I’ll miss out on. Hell, I don’t even know how to use half of the stuff we’ve got now.
I’m afraid of missing out on my kids’ lives, my grandkids, their kids and grandkids.
I’m afraid of possibly gong into a second life without being able to remember all the people I love and care about so much in this one, without having them with me. Without knowing them.
I’m afraid of the END.
I’m afraid of the end of friendships.
Of Family.
Of Experience.
Of Love.
Of Moments.
Of Time.
Of Life.
And though it’s something unavoidable. Something so unbelievably out of my control. Who I am while I am here decides who I will be remembered as when I can be here no longer.
Though it may be pointless for me to fear something I can’t change, it’s even more pointless to change the fear of fearing what I cannot change.
Because it keeps me Living.
It keeps me Breathing.
It keeps me aware of what does and should really Matter.
Of who and what I want to BE.
And, for the most part,
It Keeps me Sane.
Live, Laugh, Love, and Impact.
It's plain. It's simple. It's all we've got.
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